Sunday, June 19, 2011
Inner Peace and Kung Fu Panda 2
This blog is supposed to be about my goals and how I achieve them. I've always been a little bit selfish, so I have a lot of goals. Lucky for me... I am lucky! Whatever I want - I mean the things I really really really really want - I get... eventually.
One of my eventual goals is: Inner Peace
Backstory: About 4 months after the birth of my son, The Bear. I start having major panic attacks. Ask my Mom, I literally thought I was dying every day for at least 3 months (from different things, brain tumors, strokes, aneurysms, etc). This kind of stress takes a major toll on your body, mind and spirit. Obviously, I was looking for answers. Me - not being the religious person of any sort, goes to the doctor to get relief in the pill form. This causes further depression and panic attacks because it means I have to wean my baby from the breast before either of us are ready (this still brings a huge pang of guilt and a tear to my eye to this day).
I remember breaking down at the doctor's office one day and a nurse says to me, "Don't worry, dear, Jesus will not take you away from your babies."
This sticks with me. It was three years ago, and I can still tell you how this nurse wore her hair, what the color of her scrubs were, etc. And if you know me, I am NOT an observant type of person.
The doctor tells me after handing me a script for anti anxiety meds that maybe I should make an appointment with a therapist.
I go to said therapist one time. She tells me I need to go to church.
Maybe God was telling me something.
At this point in my existence I was an atheist? or is it agnostic? So, you can see how these things stick out to me. It goes against all that I think is the truth.
This higher power knows I'm not good at picking up subtle signs, so He has to be blatant.
The main reason I think I'm dying is headaches. Brain tumor, aneurysm, strokes... so I visit a chiropractor and go into panic attack mode there. He suggests I take some yoga classes at the local YMCA. This is something I'm willing to try.
Let me say yoga is something that always makes me feel better. I'm not a very grounded person and yoga somehow seems to connect my body and spirit and makes me feel amazing and at peace, if for just a moment. I will have to expand on this later as yoga is another of my major goals in life.
(Side note: The YMCA is an amazing place and I am so thankful for it.)
Anyways, I'm getting distracted. A combination of yoga, working out and anti-anxiety meds leads me out of constant panic attack mode. Woo!! Then I start to reflect on the signs. I connect some dots and conclude that leaving spirituality out of my life totally threw me off balance. Not talking about cells and carbon and cell makeup, 'we'... as conscious beings... are made up of mind, body and spirit. I can't be of sound mind or body without the spirit part. I was totally denying myself of the spiritual part of my life. I can't ignore this any more. But, I can't just subscribe to the cookie cutter Bible type religion, either. A wise friend once told me, "It's not true unless it's true to you."
TOTALLY! My husband can tell me something, my Mom can tell me something, I can read it on the internet, but if it doesn't seem true to me, I'm not going to believe it until it feels true to me... not until I get that truthful feeling in my soul. And I'm not so sure about the whole God created earth in 7 days and Noah had all the animals on the ark stories. So, I decide I need to find my religion. And religion to me means finding inner peace. Knowing to my core that everything is okay.
I try to pay more attention to 'signs' these days.
Things I start to think about in trying to better myself and achieve my goals start to manifest themselves in things I read, things I watch, in conversations...
Lately, I've been thinking about inner peace and yoga and finding my true calling, etc, etc. I feel like I'm growing every day, traveling closer and closer to that goal.
On a Sunday, we take our lovely family to see Kung Fu Panda 2. The moral of the movie (imo), Inner Peace conquers the bad guy.
Another sign! Thank you, Po.
(so much wisdom to be found in children's movies!)