Day 20: A Difficult Time in my Life

Roxy took this photo of Lilly's gravestone the night of Lilly's birthday celebration.

I've always been so grateful for the beautiful things in my life and the things that seem to come so easy to me. I was born into the most loving, supportive family. I seemed to stumble into the most perfect marriage a girl could dream of. I've had 3 enjoyable, totally healthy pregnancies and given birth 3 times with no issue. These are the things that are most important to me and they have all come without any difficulty whatsoever. I thank the universe for these things every single night. 

So... I have to say, the first thing that comes up in my head at this prompt for 'A Difficult Time in my Life' was last summer when I had to explain to my then 5 year old that her BFF had died in a car crash.

Lilly was an angel of a little girl that had immediately clicked with my daughter Roxy, when they both started Pre-K together. Throughout the school year, we had many play dates and I had even come to make a new friend in Lilly's mother, Sam.  

You can read about when I learned of Lilly's death here.

About a week or two before that terrible accident, Roxy and I were having an innocent conversation at the dinner table, and somehow it led to a subject that hit her like a ton of bricks. That she, herself, one day would die. I could literally see the realization sweep through her body and she went into panic attack mode. Her panic was so familiar to me, much like I have done so many times. I was racking my brain trying to think of the right things to say to her to make her feel better. I told her she was young and healthy and she wouldn't have to worry about dying for a very long time. Our family is not a religious family, in fact, the only time Roxy had ever been in a church was when she was the flower girl at Chris' cousin Wade's wedding. But I did tell her about God and Heaven and that if she was scared about anything, she could talk to God and he will make her feel better.

I saw her close her eyes and move her lips for about a minute. And then she was giggly.

She had gone from freaked out/panic attack mode to giggly in less than 2 minutes, from talking to 'God'. My own faith grew a bunch that day.

Fast forward to Lilly's death. I, myself, was in mourning and couldn't possibly think about telling Roxy after reassuring her weeks ago she wouldn't have to think about death for a long long time. After a few days, I decided it was the right thing to do. She had to know. This was her first friend, her closest peer, her BFF, I couldn't keep such a secret from her and I think she deserved closure. So I told her. This was the hardest thing I ever had to do up until this point. You can read about Roxy's reaction in more detail here.

So, I thought the hard part was over. But the funeral (more detail, here) was by far the hardest thing I have ever done. Seeing Lilly's Mom, Sam for the first time since the accident and hugging her, I swear I could feel some of her pain oozing from her soul.

Yup. That was a very difficult time in my life. It still hurts a lot to this day, too.

Read some more difficult times (from other bloggers) here.

<3, Tabi :D